


Dean Watches Them from Afar

by AmyPond45



Series: 12 Days of Wincestmas 2017 [5]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: 12 Days of Wincestmas, M/M, POV Dean Winchester, Stanford Era
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-07
Updated: 2018-01-07
Packaged: 2019-03-01 15:47:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 981
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13298112
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AmyPond45/pseuds/AmyPond45
Summary: Sam and Jessica are perfect for each other. Dean’s happy for them. Really, he is.





	Dean Watches Them from Afar

**Author's Note:**

  * For [soy_em](https://archiveofourown.org/users/soy_em/gifts).



> Day 8 or 9 of this year’s 12 Days of Wincestmas on tumblr.

Dean watches them from afar. He’s pretty sure they never know he’s there. They’re so caught up in each other, it’s unlikely they’d notice if the sky was falling.

Dean checks her out. Of course he does. She’s obviously got Sam wrapped around her little finger, and Dean would be remiss if he didn’t make sure she wasn’t some kind of monster.

He should feel relieved when she turns up clean. He should be happy for Sam.

He tells Sam he can’t make it for spring break. He’s got a case with Dad down in Alabama. He doesn’t, but Sam still thinks he hunts with Dad all the time when they’re not together, and he doesn’t want Sam to worry.

Sam’s found that girl Dean was always asking him about. Jessica’s a keeper, Dean can see that. She’s tall and blonde and probably has blue or green eyes and a snarky sense of humor, and she obviously adores Sam.

She’s perfect for him.

Dean stops taking Sam’s calls. He needs to cut the apron strings, he tells himself. Sam needs to start getting by without Dean.

Sam leaves voicemails, light in tone at first but becoming angrier and more frustrated when Dean doesn’t answer or call back.

Sam makes plans with Jessica for the summer. Dean can tell because he cracks Sam’s email account and reads his correspondence with summer employers near Jessica’s home town. Dean knows all of Sam’s passwords, of course. He can’t help leaving a little message letting Sam know he’s okay, that he and Dad are working a case in Minnesota and it’ll probably keep them busy most of the summer.

In the fall, Sam and Jessica find an apartment together. Dean breaks into it a couple of times, just to be sure Sam’s still laying down salt lines and being careful. He finds Sam’s underwear drawer and buries his face in Sam’s pillow, clutching the underwear to his groin and fighting back tears.

Sam stops calling, and Dean’s relieved and hurt at the same time. He misses Sam with a deep ache in his chest that never goes away. He feels Sam’s loss like a hole in his heart that makes it hard to breathe.

But Dean’s happy for Sam. Really, he is. Sam’s got a normal life now. He’s got a good future ahead of him with a girl who loves him. It’s not perfect, but it sure as hell isn’t fucked up and incestuous. It isn’t filled with blood and violence and constant danger. Sam’s as safe as he can be, with Dean keeping an eye on him.

Dean wonders if Sam will tell Jessica about their lives, the way Dean told Cassie. Probably not, he decides. Sam was always better at keeping secrets.

By the time a year has passed, Dean can almost make it through a day without crying. Drinking helps. Hunting helps. Killing things definitely helps. He thinks he could stand to see Sam now, maybe even touch him, without collapsing in a blubbering heap at his feet.

When Dad goes missing, Dean panics. He knows Sam won’t want to see him, won’t answer if he calls, so he breaks into Sam’s apartment one night, after fortifying himself with a couple of beers at the local bar. He’s not thinking straight, pumped on adrenaline and booze and the thought of losing Dad and seeing Sam, so Sam almost gets the jump on him. In the dark Dean can’t really see his opponent, but he can smell him, anticipates his moves like a Jedi master. Sam’s his student, after all.

He doesn’t anticipate how much Sam’s height and weight have changed, how much he’s grown.

“Dean?”

Sam conveys all the shock and pain of the last year-and-a-half in one word as he gazes up at Dean, breathing hard. Dean’s momentarily overcome by the sight and feel of Sam’s body beneath him, so Sam manages to flip him fairly easily. But Dean can feel the difference. Sam’s strong. Maybe as strong as Dean now. Definitely taller.

The two-day hunt is like heaven and hell all rolled into one. It’s paradise having Sam back, but it’s the worst thing knowing he’ll be gone again Sunday night. Sam’s angry with him, tense and pent-up. Dean owes it to Sam to explain why he hasn’t been in touch, but he’s just glad to have Sam with him. He’s happier than he’s been in months. Years. Having Sam back by his side is worth a lifetime of not having sex, and that’s not something Dean would admit to anyone, least of all Sam.

Dropping Sam off at his apartment in the wee hours of the morning of November 2 is the hardest thing he’s ever done.

Dragging Sam out of his burning bedroom with his innocent girlfriend bleeding on the ceiling, Dean knows he should be feeling nothing but horror.

So sue him if there’s a little relief under the shock and sorrow. He’s sorry for Sam, he really is. This is not something he would have wished on his brother in a million years.

But the fact that it puts Sam back in the passenger seat, next to Dean, gives Dean a sick thrill. He hates himself for it, buries it deep so Sam never finds out, but he’d be lying if he said he wasn’t happy to have Sam back by his side. Elated, even. He was more than willing to give Sam up to the normal life he deserved, but Dean will take him back, wounded and full of grief and vengeance, in a heartbeat.

Dean will help Sam get his revenge on the sick thing that killed Jessica. But a twisted part of him will always be grateful to it for forcing Sam to get back on the road with him.

Dean’s a messed up monster on the inside and he knows it.


End file.
